Spiraling Down

The downward spiral. One of the most powerful forces to exist on Earth. It can happen mentally, it can happen physically, and it can happen emotionally. It's the worst case scenario when you, yourself, are bringing yourself down. Almost literally digging your own grave. Its twisted spiral gives the illusion of infinite descent and endless torment. It's the perfect Hell.

All of us have, at one point, found ourselves spiraling down. Anything can start it. "Waking up on the wrong side of the bed" is a common one, but it can be anything. A word, an implication, a realization. But, no matter how small it starts, it always grows. It sits in your mind and festers. One thought leads to another and then to another until you're slowly draining your own life away.

Why does this happen? It's because of our weaknesses. It's because we're afraid. Afraid that we aren't good enough. Afraid that we'll never change. Afraid that everything will be permanent. That no matter what we do, it'll never go away. We feed ourselves these lies until it does become true. Until we turn ourselves into our own nightmares. Until all our senseless fears turn into realities.

How do we stop this malignant force? It's simple. One simple act. One simple thought. One simple smile. Everything has to start somewhere. All it takes is the courage to make the simplest of gestures. I found myself questioning my worth, questioning my intelligence, questioning who I was. And then, for no reason at all, I decided to smile. That smile changed everything. It's impossible to think negative thoughts when you're smiling. You can't help but be optimistic. That smile saved me.

It's funny how the small things affect us most. How they can torture you and, at the same time, save you. Don't forget the small things. The small things make us different, make us unique. Appreciating them makes you happier. It puts things into perspective. Focus on the small things, and the rest will come.


"Remember, there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end." -Scott Adams. 

The Car Ride Home

"The day isn't long enough,"

He thought in the car.

And that's not a bluff,

Not by far. 

He had a great day

And that's about it.

He had nothing to say, 

Not even a little bit. 

He stared through the glass

At the bright city.

And although it was crass,

He felt it was a pity.

That such a great day would end,

It must be a sin.

It felt like pretend

As he stared out again.

She gave him life, 

She gave him joy.

There was no strife, 

Although she looked coy.

He glanced at her

But didn't say a word.

She looked light as a feather

Fallen from a bird.

Her beauty was endless,

Her voice was magnificent.

He didn't want to press,

But he needed to hint.

He needed her so bad,

It felt like a shame.

To end the day so sad,

Would be pretty lame.

Every day with her was amazing,

But this one especially,

Deserved a lot of praising,

To be given whole-heartedly. 

The dreaded time came.

The car screeched to a halt.

There was no one to blame,

But the girl he did exalt. 

When the time came to leave,

She didn't say a word.

But what he did receive,

Didn't need to be heard. 

He felt her embrace

As she held on tightly.

He felt his heart race

And ever so rightly. 

Their feelings broke through.

They were being held dormant.

They were now being true.

They were alone for that moment.

They didn't need to look any more. 

They closed their eyes.

They couldn't feel the floor,

They were up in the skies.

Their lips pressed together,

It was their final kiss.

They held it forever, 

In eternal bliss.

A Proper Prayer

It's late at night. I walked through the dark hallway of my house leading up to my room. I brushed my teeth and took off my contacts. I blindly made my way to my bed and jumped in. I felt every muscle in my body relax. I looked up at the white ceiling. I wanted to sleep but I had one last thing to do. I sat up, closed my eyes,  and slapped my hands together. It was time to pray.

There are three steps to saying a proper prayer. In no particular order:

Step 1: Asking for forgiveness. Name all, or most, of the bad things you did. If you forget about some then you can just say "...and I'm sorry about the ones i forgot too." It's not as easy as it sounds. You have to actually mean it. This isn't just to make yourself feel better, though. You can find out a lot about yourself at this step. This is a good time to just step back and observe yourself. Just start listing all the things that you do that would disappoint God. I guarantee you, they're the same things that make you feel bad inside. Whether it's something you need to get off your chest or a part of your life that you want to fix, this step will reveal what it is. But, no cheating! No making excuses, no skipping the small stuff. List everything and be truthful to yourself.

Step 2: Expressing gratitude. Name all, or most, of the things you are grateful for. If you forget about some then you can just say "...and I'm thankful for the ones i forgot too." This is a great time to appreciate everything. List everything that makes you happy. Everything that makes you YOU. Even the bad stuff because, hey, it COULD be worse. I start by saying how thankful I am to be alive. I continue to my warm bed, the food I eat, the water I drink, my family, etc. Think about everything. When you get right down to it, we should be thankful for almost everything. Your health, your happiness, your family, your friends. Believe it or not, we're all blessed to have what we have.

Step 3: The Core. This is probably the most important part of the prayer to understand. The above two are straightforward which is why I saved this for last. What exactly do you want? Many people have the wrong idea about this. They ask for things they can't be given. Money, fame, happiness. God doesn't give these things. You have to earn them. People have the power to accomplish anything they want. I bet 90% of all the things you ask for can be earned with a bit of hard work. Now, what you CAN ask for is help. God won't give you an A+ on that test tomorrow, but he CAN give you the energy to study. He won't make the girl you like love you, but he CAN create the opportunity for you to talk to her. But, you have to be open to everything. Don't waste opportunities with the mindset that "God will do it for me". Do everything you have the opportunity to do. Be open to your surroundings. Don't isolate yourself. If you really want something, then you will receive help. It's just a matter of taking advantage of the help that's presented to you.

"People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle. " -Bruce Almighty 

Answers Through A Dream

Sleep isn't what it used to be. The refreshing feeling of a thorough sleep has evaded me for the last couple of weeks now. I tend to sleep better when I dream. I had a dream last night, but I wasn't refreshed in the morning. I'm not sure about others, but I'm pretty good at analyzing my own dreams. I can tell why certain events in my dream happen. Anyway, let's start the breakdown. 

So, in my dream, I'm in school. No, not college. High school. Back in the halls and classrooms I've come to hate. Why? Because Summer is almost over. My mind knows it. It's going back into its old rhythm of waking up at 7 A.M. Back to thinking about classrooms and teachers. Back to thinking about old friends. The only problem is: I'm not in High school anymore. I'm off to bigger and better things. That part of my life is over. But, maybe a part of me doesn't want it to be over.

I've been to that school all my life. I know every room, every crack, every corner. I can navigate it blind. I know all the teachers. I know how everything works. I know where everything is. And I'll miss that comfort. Although I hated that school, I was comfortable with it. It really did feel like a second home. A part of me wishes that I never had to grow up and be responsible. Never had to go to a new school. Never had to start anew. But, it's only a small part.

College is a great experience and I'm looking forward to it. Even if I am shy and out of my comfort zone, going to college will be good for me. It'll be a good chance to meet new people. To experience new things. To find out things about myself that I never knew. To get out of my house and into the real world.

So, let's review. My dream's telling me to worry about school. My mind is subconsciously thinking about High school and how the new year is going to be. Well, my conscious mind is looking forward to college and is throwing caution to the wind. So, who do I side with? My subconscious mind or my conscious mind? 

I'm not afraid. I'm happy. I'm not going to worry about school. No matter how much sleep I lose over this, I'll never be afraid. There's no point in worrying about High school anymore. So, thanks but no thanks Mr. Dream, because I've got it covered. I'm going to college, and I'm going to be happy and there's nothing you can do about it!

I guess dreams don't have all the answers, now do they? 

The Questions You Ask

Do you ever think about life? About death? About God? About the universe?

We all do. From the moment we lose our innocence, we begin thinking on a more complex level. Our thoughts are no longer just about our own  happiness. We think about others. We think about death. We think about all the questions and all the possible answers to them. We think about the Truth. What is the absolute Truth?

I was baptized as a child and put into Sunday School at the age of five to learn about Christianity. It started out simple. Me and the rest of my classmates were raised to think that God absolutely existed and that He loved us all. We believed it whole-heartedly. No other possibility existed to us. Our love for the Lord was full and unconditional. It was impossible to believe that He did not exist. Eventually, that innocence was lost. The loss of innocence is as absolute as time and death. It happens to us all. No human can hold onto this ignorant bliss that is so pure and simple. From the moment we lose our innocence, we become complex.

What is the meaning of life? Why are we here? What's going to happen when we die? We all think about it. These are the great questions that we are all trying to answer. These are the great mysteries that we all investigate. And for what reason? NOTHING. We do it for NO reason. Curiosity is not a good enough answer for me. We can achieve happiness without knowing the answers to these questions. We can still live fulfilling lives without them. Why do people waste their lives searching for the answer to these questions when they could be doing something productive? There are more important questions to be thinking about.

Finding yourself. Thinking about your future. Being involved in the present. These are the kinds of things you should be thinking about. It's fun to wonder about the afterlife and the universe, but at some point, you're just wasting time. Why put yourself through stress and anger and pointless debates for questions we'll probably never answer? Why should knowing about the afterlife affect the way we live our lives? Live your life without regrets. Always strive for happiness. Be yourself. Empathize with others. You shouldn't need religion to force-feed you the 10 Commandments. You should uphold those values and morals naturally because they lead to your own happiness and the happiness of the people around you.

In the end, is knowing the Truth really so important? Does it change who you have become over the years? All the people you've met. All the lives you've changed. All the things you've experienced. Does it change who you will become? All the things you'll do. All the new people you'll meet. All the things you'll accomplish? In the end, all that matters is how you live your life.

The Rise of Ardor

Have you ever wanted to be perfect? Have you ever wanted to be immune to pain? Have you ever wanted to stop caring? 

Let's face the facts, humans aren't perfect and we never will be. We live in an imperfect world and I think that's awesome. How boring would life be without obstacles? Imagine living eternally without any challenges to occupy you. It's the ultimate curse.

Immortality is boring. I can't stand the thought of living for eternity. Having a limited life enables us to enjoy it. Of course, it also means that we could die at any moment. But, that's the beauty of it. We are all lucky to be alive. Lucky to have the luxury to sit in front of a computer and read blogs. Lucky to live. Lucky to think. Lucky to feel.

I think it's amazing how everything has its pros and cons. Try to think of an action that doesn't have both a negative and a positive consequence. Everything has them. That includes living, thinking, and feeling. Life gives us the opportunity to do anything but it also means that we will one day die. Thinking allows us to learn and discover new things but it also complicates things. Have you ever wanted to just shut your mind off for a while? Feeling allows us to experience the world. We can feel comfort but also pain. We can feel love but also hate. I think that's amazing. I think feeling nothing but pain is better than not feeling anything at all. I think making wrong decisions is better than making no decision at all.

Caring. For the longest time, I thought I would be better off if I didn't care about the world. What would I lose? I know what I believe. I know what I have. Why should I need someone else's opinion on it? And then I realized something. I'm bored. I'm bored because I don't care about other's opinions. Because I don't care about what's going on in the world. Because I don't need to open myself up to others to be successful. 

During college orientation, they told us that students who only focused on schoolwork did poorly. They told us to get out and be active in the school. To join clubs, to make friends, to try new things. At first, I thought it was a load of horse shit, but now I think I understand them. That's what I've been doing wrong. I've been focused on myself for too long. I need to start caring. It doesn't matter if I agree or disagree with people. All that matters is that I interacted with them. That I cared about them. So that's what I'm going to start doing.

We're supposed to experience life. We're supposed to take chances. We're supposed to feel the good and the bad. We're supposed to care. Otherwise, what's the point?

The Name That Started It All

"...and they lived happily ever after. THE END." said the girl.

"Nah, one of them probably got an STD and then they got divorced and hated each other forever." said I.

"You're such a cynical bastard, Rafi!"

"What? It's way more likely nowadays for young couples to get divorced..."

Yep, I'm THAT guy. The guy that blurts out facts that ruin the moment. The snobby guy in class who holds his tongue until the right moment when someone says something stupid and BAM...he nails 'em with a witty remark that sends 'em home to mommy. Until that moment, no one notices him. No one even cares about him. But at that moment, he becomes the clever prick that everyone likes to argue with.

I guess I just don't like the idea of being like everyone else. Most of the time, I hate knowing that someone else thinks like I do. If someone's arguing in one direction, then I'm arguing in the other. If I notice that most of my class is arguing for something, then I'll argue against it. And why not? It helps me think on my toes, it helps them learn something new. Everyone loves rooting for the underdog...but no one ever bets on them. They're all hypocrites.

Most of my classrooms are filled with happy-go-lucky, butterfly-chasing, rainbow-coming-out-of-their-ass, optimistic people. So, I naturally took the role of the pessimist. Soon, I was labeled the cynic of the classroom. Anytime someone needed to insult me, all they needed to say was, "Well, you're just a Cynical Bastard."

The Cynical Bastard. Why does being cynical hold such a negative connotation with my peers? Most of them don't even know what it means. Why does such a great title feel like such an insult?

I started thinking differently. I cared less and less about what was going on around me. Everything became a game. How well could I do swimming against the current? I took no stand on any topic until I saw where others stood. I wanted to be unique. I wanted to be different.

Every person has their color. Well, I became colorless. No one color belongs to me. I hold them all. In each situation, a different color is needed. To people who are overly pessimistic, I am optimistic. To people that are overly religious, I am atheist. Every argument has its holes. Nothing is perfect.

"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change." - Charles Darwin